Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Poet Goes In On Nicki Minaj The Miseducation of Barbie
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
NIKE COMMERCIAL - LEBRON RISE
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Vicious Cycle
Afraid that no matter what persona I put on you would see right through me and look my insecurities dead in the eye
I was afraid to talk to you
afraid that my words could never descirb who I truly was or how I felt about you. How hurt and pain has manifested in my heard and taken over that hollw shell where love was supposed ot be
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Dreams by Indiana Rome
indiana rome feat. theresa payne - "dreams" from Grā Area Media Group on Vimeo.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Kanye West - POWER
Aite let me break down this @KanyeWest Power video to ya'll.#GirlJustDontGiveSheGotBrains *****she almost lost me after that statement but i stuck with it*****
Power is actually in reference to two things: Dionysus the Greek deity of celebration and ecstasy and Horus the Egyptian one of sky and war.
In Greek history there was a man by the name of Damocles who admired Dionysus and asked him to trade places and so he did.
Damocles was pampered with pretty women, delicious food and more. But then he looked up and to his horror was a sword above his head.
It was suspended on just a strand of horse hair. #VeryScary This represents the anxiety people with a lot of power feel
Horus was a clever Egyptian deity who conquered Set in a boat race and became the ruler of Egypt. Kanye feels both these struggles.
Kanye is expressing how he feels like a King but is in constant anxiety of the world around him given his cover with his head & sword in it.
Now you might think that she is full of shit, but go ahead and watch the video again (i posted the link for you) and tell me if you think she's wrong.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Photo Shoot....
http://mtphotographystl.blogspot.com/2010/07/stacey-adamz.html?spref=fb
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Crush Groove
on my caller ID, I smile
When I think of you
I straight up blush..
Like a schoolgirl
I thought I was too old for a crush
But you proved me wrong
Every time I see you
I can't help but to countdown the moments
until the next time I'll see you again
See you,
you are my type
I don't fall for too many guys
But you are the prototype
When I try to make a list
of everything I want in a man
I quickly stop
and paste your picture on the paper instead
At night when I lay in bed
I wish you were there with me
But I'll settle for you being the last
person I talk to before i shut my eyes
but when i close my eyes
all i can see is you
in my dreams
in my mind
I toss and turn all night
Thinking about you
Sleepless nights, but I don't mind
I feel like I'm going crazy
Like i've completely lost my mind
It's not supposed to be this hard...
I get jealous when you mention
another woman's name
I wanna tell you how i feel
but what i you don't feel the same?
So I'm afraid
The thought of rejection
from you
I couldn't even take it
You got me so gone
That I changed my relationship status on FB
to "Its' Complicated"
It's complex
See I'm not yours
and you're not mine
I wish you could see
That I'm sitting here waiting
I'm ready for love and the idea
of you and me
But as long as you continue
To only think o me as your homie
Then I'll continue to sit in my house at night
And be lonely
and hoping
and wishing
and praying
that one day you'll make that move
Until then I'll just continue to write about this crush groove...
Glitch in the Matrix...revisited
once upon a time we had a love
that people dream of
alove that could conquer all
or so I thought
You changed, or maybe I did
I stopped making you smile
or maybe you forgot how to
You forgot how to appreciate my love for you
or maybe I forgot how to
show it
We would plan out our future
And dream of places we could go together
but those images and memories have faded
because we no longer go together
I thought we would grow old together
Build our lives together
Have children together
But there was a glitch in the matrix
And we couldnt' make it last forever
We went from spending every moment together
To you "Not having time for that shit"
I swear we were living in the same house
But in a long distance relationship
Relation-shit
Dumb shit
Bullshit
Arguing constantlly over the same ol stupid shit'
Or about that one bitch
The one at your job
The one trying to suck me out of house and home
The one that you claimed you would never even try to bone
Until you did
But I didn't even mean to bring her ass up right now
My bad
I digress
This love shit has me nothing but stressed
And I don't even know how we got to this point...
I remember it like it was yesterday...
The first time that we hugged
you told me that I felt like "love"
And I thought that you were that man that had been sent to me
from the man up above
Yeah, I prayed for you
I begged or God to send me "the one"
A man who loved me unconditionally
One that I would walk down the aisle with
Wearing something old, something borrowed and something blue
But God must have misunderstood me
Because there was a glitch in the matrix
And I ended up being your number 2....
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Two Stars
TEF POE "SHOW STEALERS"
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Sugarland - Stay
I think she heard me....
The Many Voices Of Lauryn Hill
I interviewed a lot of people for my story about Lauryn Hill's voice. I had to, because I didn't know if I'd be able to speak to her myself. The singer and rapper last released a recording eight years ago. She rarely performs in the U.S., and she almost never gives interviews. But her fans haven't forgotten her — they're still pleading for her to come back. Hill is a fantastic singer, as well as one of the greatest MCs of all time, and the story of her voice is the story of a generation.
It doesn't take much for a group of 30-somethings to get nostalgic about Hill. Put her solo album, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, on at a bar, and it takes the crowd right back to college days or high-school summers. I met Daryl Lutz while he was hanging out with a group of friends on the deck of Marvin's Bar in downtown Washington, D.C.
"We went to school in Hampton, Va., and she came to do a show," he said. "It was one of the best times in my life — I mean, she spoke to me! We snuck backstage and I got her to sign my meal card. She said, 'This is your meal card, brother, you know?' I said, 'That's all I got.' She signed it, 'Eat well — L. Boogie.' That's something I'll never forget. I love her. I love her to death."
I heard tons of stories like Lutz's that night — mostly closed with this plea: "Come back, Lauryn. We need you. Come back!" People spoke directly into the microphone, as if it were a telephone line.
From New Ark To Israel
Hill became a star with the hip-hop trio The Fugees. Their second album, The Score, came out in 1996, and it was an instant classic. The group — Hill, Wyclef Jean and Prakazrel Michel — sounded like they were in perfect sync. On the first single, "Fu-gee-la," Hill sang the hook, rhymed a verse, then sang again. She was the total package, more so than any other rapper, male or female, has been.
She's one of slickest rappers ever: Her rhymes are dexterous, spiritual, hilarious, surprising. Without a doubt, she was the best-looking rapper the world had ever seen. And Hill was a soul singer with a real old-school, almost militant, politic. The second single was Hill's cover of Roberta Flack's "Killing Me Softly." That recording has never really gone away, and its success built the expectations for Hill's solo record to a fever pitch. Particularly to women and young girls who listened to her then, she was a revelation. There was steel in her voice when she rapped; she sang like she really cared about our hopeless crushes and our impotent rages, like she really loved us. We thought maybe we could grow up to be like her.
The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill came out in 1998. It was like LeBron James' rookie year in the NBA. You knew he had the potential to be great after seeing him in high school — and then, right out of the gate, he's one of the best ball players in the league.
Jayson Jackson, part of Hill's management team, described the recording process this way: "The record was already inside her. She would go into the studio, and it would just pour out of her."
Lenesha Randolph sang backing vocals on Miseducation, and she describes herself today as the backing vocals "to all your favorite artists." She's on tour with Lady Gaga right now, but a formative influence on her singing was her work in the studio singing backup for Hill.
"I don't know if people are gonna like this album, because I'm just singing, and nobody wants to hear rappers sing," Hill told Randolph at the time. Randolph says she couldn't believe it. "I was like, 'What are you talking about?' " Randolph says. "I would just stare at her, like, look in her mouth! Because when you hear her sing, and then hear her speak — it had such power and volume and rasp. It was something to strive for."
The feeling that you get [when you hear me sing], I get first.
Everything Is Everything
In 1998, everyone was listening to her sing: mothers, daughters, college students and little kids. As the rapper Nas described his audience, "listeners, bluntheads, fine ladies and prisoners." Miseducation crossed demographics and genres. It made people dance and cry and blast it from their speakers as they drove around with their best friends.
Jay Smooth, a longtime radio DJ, remembers there was a little sadness in the hip-hop community that there was less rhyming on the album than during Hill's time with The Fugees. "We may have missed out on the best rap album of all time," he says. Nevertheless, the album was a note that longtime fans of hip-hop had been craving for someone to hit. Smooth says that for people his age — the same age as Hill, the same age as people like Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls — "we saw our generation create something so powerful and innovative. They were speaking with a love and righteousness that we, perhaps naively, believed could change the world at that time."
Smooth compares the idealism of the hip-hop generation to the hippies before it. But just as the optimism of the '60s gave way to what he describes as "the malaise of the '70s," Smooth says that hip-hop had lost its way. The music grew more commercialized, and consequently more violent and self-involved, culminating in the deaths of Tupac in 1996, and then Biggie Smalls in 1997.
"It was right after that, in 1998, that Lauryn Hill's album came out," Smooth says. "And it seemed that she was that voice inside our soul — coming out and asking all of us, 'How could we have gone so wrong?' and 'Can we have some grown folks talking about loving ourselves, before it's too late? If it's not already too late?' "
'Look At Your Career,' They Said. 'Lauryn, Baby, Use Your Head'
Hill raked in the Grammys, including Album of the Year. But that same year, some of her collaborators filed suit, saying they weren't properly credited on the album. They settled out of court, and the stir over the suit prompted what seemed like a fall from grace for Lauryn Hill.
Shortly after the Grammys, in the winter of 1999, Hill disappeared from public life. For years afterward, her fans traded rumors — the prevailing theory was that she'd had some kind of breakdown. Smooth says he thinks the pressure put on her to save the hip-hop generation from itself might have broken her. She was also a busy mother: Over the past 10 years, she's had five children. Her MTV Unplugged album, which came out in 2002, seemed to reveal a person worn thin.
After Unplugged, those of us who grew up listening to her missed her voice in the same way we missed our hopeful youth. That powerful sound that represented great potential being fulfilled was silent.
"No one ever stops missing her," Smooth says. "Every time you say her name — like, 'Lauryn Hill walked into Home Depot' — you'll be hoping she starts tapping on a table and making a beat and singing."
This could be the year.
After Winter Must Come Spring
Lauryn Hill took the stage at the Harmony Festival in Santa Rosa, Calif., just a few weeks ago. She's barely performed at all in the U.S. in the past 10 years. The band was restless and loud behind her, almost drowning her out at times. She looked completely regal, even in a carnival balloon-style jumpsuit, with her hair blown out and dyed maroon to match. She pranced around the stage in huge heels, shouting directions to the band, as though they were in rehearsal. When she rapped, her words flew by so fast, it seemed she was barely breathing. But when the sound guy brought her mic up and the band would breathe for a moment, her voice soared over the crowd. It was the same voice I'd grown up with, just as raw and present and full of soul as I remembered.
The reputation that surrounds Hill is wild — it's hard to know what to believe, because she does so few interviews. She's got handlers on top of handlers, publicists and managers who, you think, will lead you to her, and then they turn out to be red herrings. My editor and I chased them all down during the weekend of the Harmony Festival. I was told by various people to not touch her, don't look her in the eye; that instead of talking directly to you, she writes on a Post-It note and sticks it to your chest. I've also been told repeatedly not to call her "Lauryn" anything — she goes by Ms. Hill. This is the only rumor that turns out to be true, in my case. Because after her performance in Santa Rosa, when we ask Ms. Hill if we can ride with her back to the hotel and ask her some questions, she tells us to get in the car.
Lauryn Hill onstage at the Harmony Festival in Santa Rosa, Calif., on June 13.
I ask her the question her fans have been asking each other for years: Why did you stop putting out music?
"There were a number of different reasons," she says. "But partly, the support system that I needed was not necessarily in place. There were things about myself, personal-growth things, that I had to go through in order to feel like it was worth it. In fact, as musicians and artists, it's important we have an environment — and I guess when I say environment, I really mean the [music] industry, that really nurtures these gifts. Oftentimes, the machine can overlook the need to take care of the people who produce the sounds that have a lot to do with the health and well-being of society, or at least some aspect of society. And it's important that people be given the time that they need to go through, to grow, so that the consciousness level of the general public is properly affected. Oftentimes, I think people are forced to make decisions prematurely. And then that sound radiates."
This would sound self-important coming from many other artists, especially popular artists. But to someone who grew up with Hill, it makes sense. She did have a hand in shaping how we were feeling, or it seemed that she did. And the disappointment of her disappearance is just one in a catalog of disappointments that we experienced as we grew up.
Her voice sounds just the same: low and raspy, full of intensity and soul. It's no wonder. She tells me she grew up singing along with mostly male soul singers — "the Donny Hathaways, the Stevie Wonders, the Jackie Wilsons." As for her rhyming skills, she says she used to have a rapping voice and a singing voice. But now the voices have to become one, in order for her to get the kind of music mix that she wants in a live performance. It's a work in progress. It's so funny to hear that Hill is still working on her extraordinary voice — holding it out in front of her, waving it like a sheet to see what more she can shake out of it.
"I'm trying to open up my range and really sing more," she says. "With The Fugees initially, and even with Miseducation, it was very hip-hop — always a singing over beats. I don't think people have really heard me sing out. So if I do record again, perhaps it will have an expanded context. Where people can hear a bit more."
How You Gonna Win When You Ain't Right Within?
I ask her what it feels like to sing, and she flips the question on me — "Well, what's it like to hear me?" I tell her listening to her sing makes me feel both happy and sad. It feels like her voice comes from a higher place. I'm paraphrasing all the people I've interviewed about her.
"The feeling that you get," she says, "I get first. I think you have a delayed experience with the feeling that I usually get. When I have a creative insight, there is a high. I think back in the day, I made music as much as I did because it made me feel so good. I think you could argue that there is a creative addiction — but, you know, the healthy kind."
I ask her about having a voice that moves so many people, if there isn't a certain amount of responsibility that comes along with that.
"I think about it, and yet I don't think about it," she says. We pull into the hotel parking lot and she's about to continue, but we're interrupted by one of the festival employees, who comes up to the car to ask if someone-or-other's keys are in the Suburban we're riding in.
"No," Hill says with a laugh. "No one in here has those keys." After all, it's just Hill, me, the driver and my editor in the car. As the man walks away, Hill says, "He looks just like Matthew McConaughey. First, second cousin. He does! ... What I was I saying? Oh, I think if I was created with such power or an ability, then what's also been put in me is the blueprint for the responsibility part, as well. I have to take care of myself in order to take care of this gift, which has affected so many. I don't treat it lightly. It's important to me to be healthy and to be whole."
And Hill seems healthy and whole, squished up next to me in the car, making cracks about ridiculous-looking actors, chin in her hand as she thinks through the answers to my questions. She doesn't tell me to move back, or that she doesn't want to answer something. Watching her perform earlier in the day made me uneasy. I felt like I was watching a captain who had spent a life at sea, then lived on land for 10 years, stumbling a bit her first time back on the deck of a boat. But hearing her steadiness now, I feel hopeful. It's also a reality check: Why did we demand so much of this woman?
"I don't know if you know this, but I have five children," she says. "The youngest is 2 now, so she's old enough that I can leave her for a period of time and know she's going to be OK. That's one reason [Hill is starting to perform again]. And I think it's just time. I'm starting to get excited again. Believe it or not, I think what people are attracted to about me, if anything, is my passion. People got exposed to my passion through music and song first. I think people might realize, you know, 'We love the way she sounds, we love the music, but I think we just love how fearless she is. How boundless she is, when it comes to what she wants to do.' And I think that can be infectious."
This closes the interview. I thank her. She says, "You're welcome," and my editor and I leave the car. We sit on the stairs for a few minutes to catch our breath. We spent all weekend chasing Lauryn Hill, hoping to have this conversation about her voice. I compared it to a video game with infinite levels you didn't even know existed, like when you beat a level and you think you won, but then you go through a door and there's a whole other world you have to conquer. Getting to Lauryn Hill was like that.
Sara Sarasohn, my editor, compared the chase to the Israelites rising up and following the cloud over the Tent of Meeting. In the Torah, when the Israelites are wandering in the desert, there was a cloud over the Tent of Meeting, where the Ark of the Covenant was kept. When the cloud lifted and moved, the Israelites would see it and know that it was time for them to move as well in their journey through the desert. It was like the presence of Hill was this cloud that we could see in the distance, and we were trying to follow it, and finally, we got to the Tent of Meeting.
Sitting on the stairs together, Sara and I couldn't help but cry, just a little. We talked to Lauryn Hill. And she's doing fine.
Dear Lauryn Hill ....from the Nu Lane Broadcast on 6/28
During the 2010 BET Awards (yes, i watched them) Nikki Minaj won the award for Best Female Hip Hop Artist. The other nominees were: Esther Dean (never heard of her), Lil Kim
I, of course, retweeted that comment because it was one of the realest things I had read in a long time. What in the hell happened to the REAL female emcee, or femcee if you will. How the hell did we get here.
Growing up, when i turned on BET or The Box, i saw Queen Latifah, Mc Lyte and Salt n Pepa. Queen Latifah had hits like "Ladies First" and "U.N.I.T.Y". I listened to those songs and i wanted to be her. I wanted to be a woman who could hang with the fellas and still hold my own. I could walk with my head held high and get the respect of all my peers. MC Lyte was extra nice on the mic and told beautiful vivid stories each time she graced the mic. And then you had Salt n Pepa, the female version of Run DMC. Sure, they were a little sexier with their wardrobe and lyrics, but there was still a level of female empowerment. With songs like "Express Yourself" and "Independent" I learned to just be myself and how to make my own money and not depend on a man to take care of me. These were valuable lessons. I wasn't a bitch. I wasn't a whore. I was a woman. Just like the women on my TV screen.
And then....something went wrong. One day i looked up and there were posters up everywhere of Lil Kim squatting down in a leopard print bikini with her moose knuckle hanging out. She was "hardcore." Her lyrics were about diamonds, shoes, expensive purses and oral sex. How the hell did we get here? What happened? Is this what i'm supposed to be now? Then Foxy Brown soon followed suit. Then every woman in america wanted to walk around in a fur coat and bikini. At this point i had given up on the femcee. I didn't want to be anything like these "women". I knew that there had to be something better. And there was...
In 1998 a woman by the name of Lauryn Hill dropped her debut album "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill." Music would change forever. Her album combined her soulful voice and lyrical prowess on track such as "Superstar" and "Doo Wop (That Thing." She could make a song that showed her heartache like "When it hurts so bad" and my favorite "Ex-Factor". She showed how real love actually feels on "Nothing Even Matters." and even her spiritual side on "Tell Him." She made me rethink my life with single "The Mideducation of Lauryn Hill". This woman was more than a record executives idea of a marketing tool: she was the truth.
Then...she left us. She disappeared into thin air. She changed the game and left before she could finish what was needed to be done. i thought for the longest that I was the only one who missed her until i found this post the other day:
(original post on http://www.eurweb.com/?p=16559. In Search of Lauryn Hill: The Obsoletism of the Female Emcee)
Where have you gone Lauryn Hill and how do I get there? Someone has to save the species of the fmale rapper from fading into oblivion or being reduced to mere sex toys. You had so much left to say, so much left oto do, little black girls need you; I can’t go on listening to the Barbie doll with the Tourette’s –like flow. I understand your life has undergone many alterations since “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill”, but your story is the story of millions of woman and your voices so powerful that you could help many of them through situations and maintain an outlet for yourself.
Instead we have a generation of Black girls lost listening to a female M.C. that wants to put something on my sideburns (listen to Bedrock) and feeding a sex kitten image to a throng of sex-starved people the exceeds the magical Summer of Love. This is not a Nicki Minaj dis blog; this is reality rap about the lack of diversity rocking the MIC for the ladies......
Nikki Minaj....well....what can I say. In theory, if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody then you shouldn't say anything at all. However, I have bad manners so I'll speak on this one. I don't hate Nikki Minaj: I hate what she represents. For years women have been depicted in rap lyrics as nothing more than objects of a male's affection or disdain. We were bitches and hoes. Gold diggers and chickenheads. Money hungry heffas and ratchet baby mamas. But the original female emcee showed that we were more than that. And like Flava Flav, Nicki Minaj is working so hard to destroy what we have put together as a people. True, entertainers are not supposed to be role models. They are strictly supposed to entertain. It's all supposed to start in the home. But what happens when your mother is a "Harajuko Barbie," too? Now what? Young girls listen to these rap lyrics about women using men to get what they want. About how your self worth means nothing unless you shop at Neiman Marcus. And rather than turning on the TV and seeing a woman that disproves those statements, they see a grown woman prancing around feeding into the stereotype. It didn't all start with Nicki and I can't put this all on her shoulders. But she is a part of the problem. Some say that it's just a gimmick. They say that she is forced to portray this character because of the record companies. I guess my question is then, how much is the price of your soul? Because you can't buy mine for a record contract. Maybe she really is a gifted MC. i'll never know because once I hear her voice i want to shoot myself. but i have read some of her lyrics and i see the potential. i see the potential to do so much more. We have gotten to a point where skills don't sell anymore; gimmicks do.There were MC's that tried to reign supreme in this male driven world and were pushed to the side. Rah Digga was nice on the mic and Remy Ma could battle rap with the best of them. But where are they now? Well, Remy Ma is in jail but you get the point.
I just think that we can do better. We have to. There is a generation of young girls that want to be Barbie dolls. But hey, even Barbie had a job. They think there self worth is determined by the size of their Prada bag, not the size of their personality. The men love Nicki so the women follow suit and want to be like her. Me? I still want to be like Queen Latifah. I want to be like MC Lyte. I want to be like Lauryn Hill. So Lauryn, if you are out there, please hear my plea:
We need you. The game needs you. I need you. My 13 year old niece needs you. Come back. We need a revolution.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
FanMail
I always wonder if anybody is listening...If i'm reaching anyone..if anybody cares. I even tried to leave FB because I thought my voice was unheard... And then someone posted this on my wall:
Jada Horton Stacey - Your status updates are the highlights of my day. You bring the issues - from every end of the spectrum. Your perspective is so nuanced, yet real, that you would appeal to such wide audiences. Do you have a blog? Because you need a platform outside of FB. I could SO see you with you a frickin show.
After responding and thanking her for her comment, I laid down and went to bed. I’m not sure, but I think I slept a little better last night than I have in months.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Chasing Waterfalls
I’m 28. I’ll be 29 in October. 30 next year… but in many ways I’m still a child
There is a certain selfishness that I have that something you would find in child. I don’t like to share. I’m stubborn. And I’m clingy. I’m the first to admit that and the last one to deny it.
My clinginess has proven to be my biggest downfall. It has cost me relationships and friendships. Its hard to want to be close to someone that doesn’t want to be close to you. And this causes confusion. It causes more than confusion. It causes breakups….or resentment.
I’m not close to my family. So in turn, I’m close to my friends. But I believe that one of the biggest mistakes that I have made in my life is treating some of my friends like family. The old saying goes that blood is thicker than water. I suppose that’s true. But in my case, i considered that water to be frozen like a glacier. Something strong and huge that could sink ships if one came at it the wrong way. But the thing that I forgot about glaciers is that they are still made of water. And when the heat is on, they melt.
TLC said not to chase waterfalls and to stick to the rivers and lakes that you are used to. But what if I’m not used to rivers and lakes? What do I do if I’m not used to the stability of the rivers and lakes and I’m attracted the allure of those free-flowing waterfalls? Then what T-Boz? Since you know every god damned thing…..but I digress…
Moving on
I was raised in a household where the children came first. We were always first priority over anything my grandparents wanted. It was a selfless act of love. And because of that, I treat people the same way. I think of them before I think of myself. But the older I’ve gotten, the more I’m learning that everyone doesn’t think that way. People actually put themselves before others. Or worse, they put their significant other before everybody else. People forget who was there when the chips were down. They forget who answered late night calls when they were under duress. They forget who had their back like the Verizon man. Or maybe people don’t forget. Maybe, they are simply attracted to one of those free flowing waterfalls. But they also forget that waterfalls flow into rivers and lakes. Those large bodies of water are just as, if not more, important as the waterfall.
But everybody doesn’t think like me.
Glitch in the Matrix --- a work in progress...
The first time that we hugged you told me that I felt like “love”
And I thought that you were that man that had been sent to me from the man up above
Yeah, I prayed for you. I begged for God to send me “the one”
A man who loved me unconditionally
One that I would walk down the aisle with
Wearing something old, something borrowed and some something blue
But God must have misunderstood me
Because something went wrong and I ended up being your number 2……
Subliminal Issue
The most important question that some of you may have is why I left Facebook. Well, I’ll try to explain it without getting to personal.
I started hanging out on Myspace first. Then I migrated to Facebook. At first I hated it and then grew to love. I actually used it as a networking website! I found people that I hadn’t seen in almost 15 years. I laughed, I joked, I had fun. I updated my status daily more than most people change their draws in a week. I posted notes and sometimes people read them, sometimes they didn’t. I even had people beg me to create this here blog. And of course, I did.
But it got to a point when FB wasn’t fun anymore. It became a internet forum for drama, petty shit, dumb shit, and other shit. And no matter what you say, there will always be drama when too many people are around each other. I’m not innocent. I started drama, I participated and I also ended some. FB beef is by the silliest beef their ever was. But it makes me laugh and keeps me entertained. Ya’ll know how much I love pork so it’s nothing for me to HAM….
But it was just too much for me. Too much dumb shit and not enough positive shit. I could post a positive status and maybe 3 people would like it. But if I post something about my hatred for Halle “I can’t keep a man” Berry then I’d get 72 comments, 85 likes and a few inboxes asking me why I’m hating. I would post notes and wonder if anybody read them. I would pour my heart out on this computer screen and only get responses from the people that I talk to on the phone every day. If I wanted that reaction then I would simply post on this blog that nobody reads. I used FB as a forum because I wanted to be able to reach a large amount of people at once. But it appears that I didn’t reach anyone. So why work hard to make my voice heard when everyone is deaf? So I left….
That’s the first reason why.
The second reason is a slightly more complex.
Sometimes I would post statuses based on something in my life but I would send subliminal messages to make the situations seem hypothetical. This isn’t a new form of communication and I’m not the only person who does this. However,…well, there is no however. It’s some punk shit to do and I’m the first to admit it. When someone starts of a status with “Some people…” they really mean “This specific person.” Yet, we don’t do that. We don’t want to broadcast our business in the streets but we still want to update FB to show that person we are talking how we feel . And we know they will see it. And we also know that everybody else will see it. And then we deal with the status comments of other “friends” co-signing on our thoughts or asking “Dang, who you mad at?” But of course, we still won’t fess up and say what the real problem is. We hide behind our screen names and our computer screens rather than working to fix the actual issue. We are cowards. And we know it. But nobody wants to change it.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Loosing Yourself
During this weight loss process, an argument has begun over “what size I want to be.” Some people say, “Oh, you just need to lose like 20lbs and you’ll be good.” But these are the same folks who don’t realize that I weight 280lbs when this whole thing started. Some say “Don’t get smaller than a size 12 cuz then you’ll look crazy.” And I think to myself, well I’ve never been a size 12 so who knows how I’ll look. All I knew was that I was ready for a change.
But then I started to think more about this “change” I was going through. And I thought “What about me would really change?” In theory, the only thing that would change is my physical appearance. But my personality revolves around my size. My inner self was created because of my outer self.
Contrary to popular belief, I am extremely shy. Seriously. I get very nervous around people that I don’t know. Years ago, I realized that if I’m in a room full of strangers than maybe I can make them laugh to break the ice. And the rest is kind of history. A lot of my rambling on is based on the fact that I’m extremely nervous around large groups of people and insecure.
Why am I insecure? Honey, I don’t even know where to begin with that question. For the sake of time, let’s just say I’ve always been insecure about my size. I’ve always been tall. Always. So that has been an issue to plague me over the years. Being 12 years old and 5’7” isn’t really something that a girl should have to deal with. I’ve always been “thick.” I was never a skinny girl. I always had a little weight on me but it was under control. Back in the day, this girl that I thought was my friend named Clarissa used to call me an Amazon. I would laugh it off but it stung like a hornet. I had to develop a sense of humor about myself in order to survive back then. It’s funny how now I look at old pictures and think “Damn, I wasn’t fat at all. I was hella small.” I was also about 225lbs. But of course, hindsight is 20/20.
Getting back to the point at hand, I developed a sense of humor about myself in order to get through all the pain I felt inside for looking different than all the other girls around me. Guys didn’t go for the tall thick girl back then. So if I wanted to attract someone I had to come on strong with the personality. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve always had a personality but I just wasn’t that outspoken. At some point, I became that person that always said what was on her mind. I became cool and popular.
Fast forward to now. At this point I’m down about 20lbs. Some folks notice, some don’t. But I can tell by how my clothes fit. I keep telling myself that the only thing that will change is how I look. I’m still the same person right? But think about it: are slimmer girls really all that loud and outspoken? Generally aren’t they the more quiet and timid ones? I mean sure, you have those skinny heffas that run off at the mouth. But when you turn on the TV, it’s always the big woman who is giving someone a piece of her mind. Think about it: Thea, Mo’Nique, Kim Whitley, Sherry Shephard…hell even Oprah. Everytime Oprah gets skinny she loses viewers. But as long as she’s fat Oprah then we love her a little more.
So the question begs to be answered: Can I lose weight and not actually lose myself?
Friday, May 7, 2010
Do you Boo....,
My friend Chase passed away on Wednesday March 31st. Chase was someone that was known by all and loved by many. His wake was packed. The best way to describe it was the May Day Parade. Yes, t was that packed. Everybody who was anybody was there. And everyone was there telling stories about an encounter they had with him.
During the funeral, his brothr, and my best friend, Brandon got up to speak. One of the things that Brandon mentioned was that Chase was never afraid to be himself. You see, Chase was gay. And no, he wasn’t the quiet gay man that walks into a room and people wonder “Is he or isn’t he.” Chase was gay. And he was proud. And he was never afraid to be that. He was always himself. Period. He never tried to front and be something other than what he was. He was truly a class act. People can say whatever they want to say about him, but they can never say that he was fake or funny acting or whatever the fuck. Whether he was doing your hair, picking out your outfit or getting you right together, He was real. He was genuine. he was the one and only Joaquin Chase Mason. RIP Chase
The point of me telling you all of this is that I think we all need to take a page from Chase’s book. So many of us are concerned about how others envision us that we can never truly be ourselves. We don’t want people to think that we are different so we conform to the norm, regardless of how it makes us feel inside. I’m a facebook junkie and everyday there are hundreds of people saying “Imma do me” but in reality you aren’t doing you, you are doing somebody else.
Some of us portray a certain image to the world when in reality we are the complete opposite. We are dying inside because we want to fit in so badly. We sacrifice our own happiness to please others. But the question is why? Why are willing to give up our own personalities to be what the world wants us to be. Why can’t we be comfortable in our own skin?
Waiting...
And no, I don’t mean waiting on the right man to come to me. I mean waiting on a man to get it together. As women, we tend to meet men that are “fixer uppers.” He has almost all the qualities that we need, except a few. So we wait. We wait on him to get another job because he just quit/got laid off/fired from the one he had. We wait on him to get a new car because the one he had got stolen/broke down/repossessed. We wait on him to be ready to settle down. And finally, we wait for him to stop dealing with his other chick and deal exclusively with us (sorry, I just stepped on somebody’s toes). The point is that we wait. We try to be patient. Men tend to tell us that they want us to believe what they say. Well, what happens when you believe this fool and it’s all just a bunch of crap? He keeps saying that he is getting a car on his next paycheck. He keeps saying that he has a few interviews lined up next week. He keeps saying that his baby mama and him are just “cool” and that he needs more time to explain to her that he is seeing you now. Or he and his girlfriend are “on the verge” of breaking up and he just needs you to be patient. After all, he has to let her down easily. Her feelings must be taken into consideration.
Well, I am tired of waiting. I was tired a long time ago, but I’m sick and tired now. And no, nothing happened to me recently that made me write this. Sometimes I just sit back and reflect of mistakes made in the past and I recognize my faults. And during this journey into relationships past, I realize that I spent a lot of time waiting on a man to get his stuff together. Yet, I could not think of one time that a man actually waited on me. Actually, I take that back. One of my ex’s did wait on me. He waited a year for me. And we lasted less than a year. Anywho…. my point is that women tend to wait on men and men don’t wait on women. Think about it: If a man wants something he attempts to get it. If it’s a challenge, he may enjoy the thrill of the chase or he may just get over it really quickly and move on to something else. Ladies, how many of you have been the side chick for months and months and even years on end because you were waiting on him to end his current relationship? Show of hands…okay. Now, men how many of you have actually waited longer than 30 days for a woman to do anything including but no limited to: get her own place, get a car, get a job, give you some, dump her man, leave her husband, get her hair done?
I don’t really have a solution for this random thought of mine. I can only speak for myself when I say that I don’t think I’m willing to wait anymore. But I would love to hear your opinions on this. Ladies, have you waited for a man? Men, have you waited on a woman? Was it worth it?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Confessions of a Chubby Girl
so yesterday my air conditioning went out in my apartment. As I lay on my couch in a pull of sweat, I began to succumb to heat induced delusions of grandeur. I flashbacked to last December. My best friend Samantha had just moved back to St. Louis and she wanted to go out to the Loft to celebrate. Now, those that know me know that I truly loathe going to clubs. I hate being out in the public eye and usually only do so because I have been literally dragged out of the house, someone else is paying or I have to keep up appearances. Anyway, after much coercion, I decided to go. I put on what I thought was a cute outfit, threw a bump or two in my hair, some makeup and finally some 3 inch stillettos. We got to the loft and it turned out the be the same night as the Floyd Mayweather fight. We were stuck standing up and watching the fight for like an hour. Needless to say, my feet were very angry. There were supporting 275 pounds on a very thing 3 inch stilt. They were not pleased. Moving on...the fight ended and the music began. We (me, samantha, dana, and LaQuita) began to walk around the club. As we walked to the dance floor, we formed a single file line. So, the order went: Samantha, Quita, Dana and then Me. As we walked, I suddenly felt myself being shoved to the side. I looked over and I noticed some punk ass thug wannabe standing there looking at me like I was crazy. I looked at him and said "Did you just push me?" He said "Yeah, you just bumped into me." I was in disbelief. First, I had no recollection of running into him. Second, there were 3 other girls that past him up first before this alleged "bumping into him". And finally, why would he push me like that if all I did was bump into him? I said " Are you fucking serious? I accidently bump into you and you push me like that?" His response "Yeah, your big ass almost knocked me over!" And then his friends started laughing. At this point, my feelings are beyond hurt. I want to cry right then and there. Here I am, at this fucking club that I don't even want to be at. I have gotten all dressed up and then this guy reminds me of just how fat I am. I know that if I was a skinny girl, he would have never pushed me the way that he did. But since I'm a big girl, my feelings dont' count. So there was only one thing left for me to do. I looked at him and said "Fuck you nigga" and I pushed the shit out of his ass back. I used the force of all 275 of my pounds to make sure that his ass fell back at least 6 feet. And when he looked back at me like he wanted to start something, I said "Jump stupid if you want but I'm sure that you don't want to get your ass kicked in front of your boys by some fat girl." Then I walked off. By the time I joined Dana and the crew, there were like "Who was that guy and why did you push him". I told them not to trip. They would never understand my ordeal. They were skinny and would never have to deal with this type of embarrassment or harrassment.
Another story took place in April. I was at a baby shower for my ex boyfriends sister. I was in charge of games. We decided to play the one where everyone has to guess the size of the mother-to-be's belly. We used crepe paper instead of string for this project. For those of you that arent familiar withthe game, the rules are simple. You look at the mother. You look at the crepe paper(string). You try to figure out the circumference of the mother and cut a piece of string to represent the width. We then compare your string to the actual size of the mothers belly and who ever is the closest wins. Well, I was standing next to some guy at the party. He decided that the 9 months pregnant mothe-to-be's belly looked very similar to my non-pregnant belly. He took the crepe paper and wrapped it around my waist to figure out how big the pregnant belly was. He did it so fast that I wasn't able to react. I seriously looked up and there he was with that shit around my waist and tearing it off as if he had the exact length. I wanted to crawl up in ball and die right then and there. It took everything in me to not cry and run home. But i did nothing. I just stood there like an asshold and tried to pretend as if my feelings were not hurt.
I guess the point of all of this is to let everyone know that big girls have feelings too. Be careful when you say or do something to someone who has a little meat on their bones. You never know how much it affects them. Even if they smile and just laugh, they are crying on the inside. That's all.......
Fashion...or something close to it
the few times a year that I go out, i observe others and the things that they wear. it intrigues me. things that are considered fashionable make no sense to me. but again, i'm no fashionista so maybe i'm not supposed to understand. However, I do have a few questions that maybe some of my more fashion forward readers can answer to help me understand society:
1. When did it become okay to wear hairnets? Girl keep wearing them like they are the new in thing, but to me you look like you are about to serve me some mashed potatoes and gravy.
2. Are Reeboks back in style? Unless you are a nurse or work at White Castles, I thought it was unacceptable to wear Classics or Princess Reeboks.
3. Why are your pants so tight....and you are sagging. I dont' think you can do both. You should pick one or the other. To me, it looks like you have on your lil brothers pants and since you couldn't pull them up all the way, you just decided to wear them where they stopped and put a belt on.
4. Is it okay to wear more than one brand at a time? Back in my day, it was ILLEGAL to have on Polo and Tommy at the same time. We called you a walking advertisement. Now, you have on a Roberto
Cavalli dress, a Louis Vuitton bag, Chanel sunglasses and Gucci shoes. Is this acceptable? Or are you getting paid to advertise for Vogue?
5. Why do you have on a bag that costs $600 but you needed a loan to get into the club? You don't have $10? You need to take that bag to Rag-o-Rama and get some money....
6. Did you make that outfit? It looks like it.....
7. If you don't have crew socks, is it okay to roll down your tube socks and wear them anyway? No? I didn't think so.....
8. To all the straighties out there....when you sag, people can see your ass. I know you know this, but I dont' think you realize the gay boys are looking at your ass. Then you get mad if a gay dude is looking at you. Well, you were showing your ass off like "Look at my cakes, come and get it." So either pull your pants up or give the boy your phone number
9. To the big girls out there: Express, Forever 21, Urban Outfitters, Charlotte Russe, Bebe and Arden B don't carry your size. However Torrid and Lane Bryant do. Please stop going into skinny girl stores and trying to squeeze your fat ass into a 12 because it aint happening. You look dumb in the dressing room and you look dumb in the club. Stop it. you are making me look bad and pissing me off. I'm about to start handing out big girl violations. Oh, don't get mad at me. Be mad at them cheeseburgers your fat ass is eating as you read this....
and finally....
10. um....how do i put this...um....Everyone doesn't have "good hair". So um....why don't you get a relaxer or a hair cut. okay? ok.
Woman To Woman 2010
here's the intro:
Hello, may I speak to Barbara
Barbara, this is Shirley
You might not know who I am
But the reason I am calling you is because
I was going through my
Old man`s pockets this morning
And I just happened to find your name and number
So woman to woman
I don`t think it`s being anymore than fair
To call you and let you know
Where I`m coming from
Now Barbara
I don`t know how you`re gonna take this
But whether you be cool
Or come out of a bag on me
You see it doesn`t really make any difference
But it`s only fair that I let you know that
The man you`re in love with
He's mine
From the top of his head
To the bottom of his feet
The bed he sleeps in
And every piece of food he eats
You see, I make it possible
The clothes on his back
Ha ha, I buy them
The car he drives
I pay the note every month
So I`m telling you these things
To let you know how much I love that man
And woman to woman
I think you`ll understand
How much I`ll do to keep him
Now, 20 years ago, Barbara was hurt by this phone call and probably never called ol boy again. however, in 2009, I think the convo would have went like this:
But the reason I am calling you is because
I was going through my
Old man`s pockets this morning
And I just happened to find your name and number
bitch, why are you playing on my phone?
Now Barbara
I don`t know how you`re gonna take this
But whether you be cool
Or come out of a bag on me
You see it doesn`t really make any difference
look here lady, i'm gonna have to ask you to stop playing on my phone. we are too grown for this dumb shit. why are you calling me? where is his dumb ass at? you know the name of the game. Your man chose me. Now we can handle this like ladies or get into some gangsta shit
But it`s only fair that I let you know that
The man you`re in love with
He's mine
bitch, is this a mokenstef song?
You see, I make it possible
The clothes on his back
Ha ha, I buy them
The car he drives
I pay the note every month
wait, wait, wait. bitch, you buying his clothes and paying the car note on the Jag? bitch you dumb as hell. He takes me to work in that car everyday. Hell, I drove that mug down to Cape last weekend. You stupid. just dumb. do me a favor. Hang up this phone right now. write a note, kill yourself and invite me to the funeral so i can stand up and tell everyone how dumb you are.
and then there would be a dialtone. There would have never been a song made. Maybe i'm wrong or maybe the mixture of blood pressure medication and Claritin has gotten to me...idk...