Confessions of a Chubby Girl

originally published on Facebook and Myspace, May 18,2008

so yesterday my air conditioning went out in my apartment. As I lay on my couch in a pull of sweat, I began to succumb to heat induced delusions of grandeur. I flashbacked to last December. My best friend Samantha had just moved back to St. Louis and she wanted to go out to the Loft to celebrate. Now, those that know me know that I truly loathe going to clubs. I hate being out in the public eye and usually only do so because I have been literally dragged out of the house, someone else is paying or I have to keep up appearances. Anyway, after much coercion, I decided to go. I put on what I thought was a cute outfit, threw a bump or two in my hair, some makeup and finally some 3 inch stillettos. We got to the loft and it turned out the be the same night as the Floyd Mayweather fight. We were stuck standing up and watching the fight for like an hour. Needless to say, my feet were very angry. There were supporting 275 pounds on a very thing 3 inch stilt. They were not pleased. Moving on...the fight ended and the music began. We (me, samantha, dana, and LaQuita) began to walk around the club. As we walked to the dance floor, we formed a single file line. So, the order went: Samantha, Quita, Dana and then Me. As we walked, I suddenly felt myself being shoved to the side. I looked over and I noticed some punk ass thug wannabe standing there looking at me like I was crazy. I looked at him and said "Did you just push me?" He said "Yeah, you just bumped into me." I was in disbelief. First, I had no recollection of running into him. Second, there were 3 other girls that past him up first before this alleged "bumping into him". And finally, why would he push me like that if all I did was bump into him? I said " Are you fucking serious? I accidently bump into you and you push me like that?" His response "Yeah, your big ass almost knocked me over!" And then his friends started laughing. At this point, my feelings are beyond hurt. I want to cry right then and there. Here I am, at this fucking club that I don't even want to be at. I have gotten all dressed up and then this guy reminds me of just how fat I am. I know that if I was a skinny girl, he would have never pushed me the way that he did. But since I'm a big girl, my feelings dont' count. So there was only one thing left for me to do. I looked at him and said "Fuck you nigga" and I pushed the shit out of his ass back. I used the force of all 275 of my pounds to make sure that his ass fell back at least 6 feet. And when he looked back at me like he wanted to start something, I said "Jump stupid if you want but I'm sure that you don't want to get your ass kicked in front of your boys by some fat girl." Then I walked off. By the time I joined Dana and the crew, there were like "Who was that guy and why did you push him". I told them not to trip. They would never understand my ordeal. They were skinny and would never have to deal with this type of embarrassment or harrassment.

Another story took place in April. I was at a baby shower for my ex boyfriends sister. I was in charge of games. We decided to play the one where everyone has to guess the size of the mother-to-be's belly. We used crepe paper instead of string for this project. For those of you that arent familiar withthe game, the rules are simple. You look at the mother. You look at the crepe paper(string). You try to figure out the circumference of the mother and cut a piece of string to represent the width. We then compare your string to the actual size of the mothers belly and who ever is the closest wins. Well, I was standing next to some guy at the party. He decided that the 9 months pregnant mothe-to-be's belly looked very similar to my non-pregnant belly. He took the crepe paper and wrapped it around my waist to figure out how big the pregnant belly was. He did it so fast that I wasn't able to react. I seriously looked up and there he was with that shit around my waist and tearing it off as if he had the exact length. I wanted to crawl up in ball and die right then and there. It took everything in me to not cry and run home. But i did nothing. I just stood there like an asshold and tried to pretend as if my feelings were not hurt.

I guess the point of all of this is to let everyone know that big girls have feelings too. Be careful when you say or do something to someone who has a little meat on their bones. You never know how much it affects them. Even if they smile and just laugh, they are crying on the inside. That's all.......