In the event of my demise....

this is possibly one of, if not the greatest poems I've ever written. And it happens to be by one of my favorite people in the world, Mr. Tupac Shakur. The poem has always touched me deeply. I want this poem printed on the back of my funeral program:


In the event of my Demise
when my heart can beat no more
I Hope I Die For A Principle
or A Belief that I had Lived 4
I will die Before My Time
Because I feel the shadow's Depth
so much I wanted 2 accomplish
before I reached my Death
I have come 2 grips with the possibility
and wiped the last tear from My eyes
I Loved All who were Positive
In the event of my Demise

Today

This was written in 2004...about 2 months later I was found in a bed in a hotel by the paramedics after a suicide attempt. Guess i should have read the poem again



Today I woke up
No make-up, no lip gloss
Just natural me and I took off
into the streets to begin my day

today i realized that tomorrow
is not promised. that my life could
end tonight and I will have died
without making a difference

today i cried because of all the
indifference in my life. all of the
bullshit in the world. all of the times
i should have done something but
didn't because i was afraid or felt i
just couldn't do it

today i thought of all the people
around me who are moving upwards
and onwards and I thought of how my
life is at a standstill. how i may
never be able to come whatever. how
maybe, just maybe, this is all i'm supposed
to be

today i tried to figure out exactly
who i am. what is my purpose? why do
i wake up every morning? Why has God
or whoever put me here? Why cant my life
be perfect the way every one elses is?

Today i decided to make some changes
i decided to not take this sitting down
to fight for my life. to be someone. to
be better than everyone else. to make
plans and follow my dreams. to be
independent and live life to its fullest

Today, I woke up

It used to be love.....

This was written about 2 years ago, after the demise of the relationship with me and him...

Sitting,

Thinking about me and you

And all the little things

That we used to do

I can’t believe that you’re not here

I’m crying

Because I realize I need you here

You’re every breath that I take

You’re every step I make

Without you I can’t go on

So now I’m down on my knees

Crying for you to please, come home

I’m not sure where things went wrong

And I don’t know how to make it right

I can’t sleep, I can’t eat

I miss you lying next to me at night

You were my everything

My water, my earth, my sunshine

The idea that you may never again be mine

Keeps me in tears every night

We shared everything

I couldn’t feel your heartbeat

Without feeling mine

They were the same beat

The same rhythm

You kept me sane

You helped me become a better person

I pray that everything we had was not in vain

I’ve had my last cry

But I’ll never stop my prayers

Nothing in this world matters to me

I’m nothing without you being here

But you’ve made your choice

And I have to live with it

If you want to call this living

I’m in a fantasy world

Completely void of reality

Dwelling in the past

Remembering you here

Wearing your t-shirt

Laying on your side of the bed

Listening to our songs

and praying for your return

my castle in the sand

has been washed away by the tide

it used to be love

but it’s over now.

Popularity

Recently, someone wrote me and mentioned how in high school she thought i was so cool. As an underclassmen she looked up to me because I hung out with all the popular people. Everybody knew me. I was a hot girl

And this surprised me.

I went to two different high schools during my 4 year tenure of high school. My first high school was filled with all of my friends I had gone to elementary and middle school with. I was already in a clique so popularity wasn't an issue. But when I transferred to my new school junior year, I was the new kid on the block. The only people I knew were a few guys that were upperclassmen that I used to kick it with back in the day. So I clung to them. But at lunchtime I had to find someone to sit with. Evidently I picked the right people because I was eventually known as "popular"

The idea of being popular has always intrigued me. Back in elementary school I never thought of myself as popular. I was never as cool as the other girls. I used to get chased around the playground because I was light skinned, tall, wore glasses, was smart/teacher's pet, and I didn't own a pair of K-Swiss. I was a walking target. But what's funny is that the girls that teased me the most were the girls who were the most popular. The one's whose attention I craved the most. I wanted to be like them sooo bad. I begged my grandmother to put a relaxer in my head so I could be like the other girls. Having natural, long hair was no longer going to be good enough for me (side note: the relaxer ending up breaking my hair off and I ended up just as bald headed as they were. great way to fit in.) I don't think I was ever comfortable in my own skin. I always longed to be better. To be them, and not me.

Even today, I think i just end up knowing the right people. In turn, lots of other people know me. But i don't know everyone. People meet me once and remember me. I don't remember a lot of folks. People remember me most for my "personality." My in your face attitude. The fact that I say whatever comes to my mind, not matter the consequence. But what I think a lot of folks don't realize is that the mouth I have today, stems from my childhood. I was teased and never stood up for myself. I never once talked back. I kept it all in. Then one day I realized that I was bigger than everyone else and I didn't want to be quiet anymore. I've been telling people off ever since. I made a vow to myself that I would speak my mind no matter what. Period.

Who knew that speaking up for myself would actually make me popular?

Disappointment

I told him that I had been hurt before and that I was afraid to love again
And he said that he would never hurt me, that he was different from those other guys.
I said I want to believe you. I want to trust you. But I don’t know if I can
He said that his feelings were real, and that it was okay to put my heart in his hands.
And I believed him
But he lied. He cheated. He left. And he proved he was like the rest of them

She said that I would never hurt you. That I am here for you. That I will always be there
And I told her that she had sad that before. She wasn’t there before so why should I believe you now
She said that she knows she messed up in the past but she was different now. She was a changed woman. She would make it right. And I believed her.
But she lied. She stayed the same. And she proved that if I can’t trust her, then I can’t trust anyone

You said that you would always be there. That we would be friends until the end
And I said that I needed a friend. I needed someone to be there for me. I couldn’t handle someone leaving me again. I couldn’t take another promise being broken.
And you said that would never do that. You would be the shoulder I could lean on.
And I believed you.
But you lied. We grew apart. You began to live a life that no longer included me. You, like the others, left.

And now I sit here disappointed.