*this is a freestyle...meaning that it wont' be proofread. it's just what's in my head***
Growing up, I was always awkward. I was tall, light skinned, had long hair and glasses. In an inner city school surrounded by darker skinned girls with not short, so natural hair and that were normal height didn't make life any easier. The boys paid attention to them. They liked me because i was kind of good at football and i watched wrestling.
Growin up, i always wanted to be on the pretty girls. The ones who boys looked at when they walked past. The girls that boys wants to talk to on the phone late at night. The girls who boys wanted to make their girlfriend and pass notes to in the hallway.
I've never really been one of those girls. But I've always wanted to be. I always wanted to be pretty. Sure, I've been told that I'm attractive. Some even call me sexy. But that isn't good enough. Call me vain. But there is a difference between being attractive, cute, sexy, and pretty. Atractive means that you aren't ugly. You aren't really any of the other words, but you aren't butt ugly. Nothing really to write home about. Cute girls are the ones that are just that: Cute. They are freaking adorable. They have dimples or look younger than they actually are. They are just cute as a button. Sexy is just sex with a "y" at the end of it. You have sex appeal. You are sexually appealling. You look good enough for someone to want to have sex with. Whoopee!
But when you are pretty, people take notice. Time slows down when you walk into a room. Men and women alike stop in their tracks. People magazine picks out the Prettiest People of the Year. Pretty people grace magazine covers. Pretty people walk the runways. Pretty people rule the world. Think about it. Seriously think about it.
Sometimes i just sit back and wish i was one of the pretty girls of the world.....
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
You kissed me
*this is a little more for the grown ups...*
You kissed me
You kissed me and I felt if i was yours forever. i melted into your arms as you began to undress me. you stood over me and began to take your clothes off as well. i looked at your body and a smile came over my face as a i thought about what was coming up next. you kissed me again. and then you kissed my neck. your kisses trailed over my breast, down my stomach, past my navel, to the prize you've been waiting for. as i felt your mouth on my second set of lips, i cried out in passion and lust and thought about how much I'm in love with you. how every time we do this it feels like the first. how my love grows stronger for you with every kiss. you stood up and looked at me with a sly grin on your face. you gave me a look as if to ask "are you ready?" I simply nod my head and brace myself for the next chapter of our evening. you slide inside me effortlessly and i scream out your name. you chuckle as you spread my legs further apart. with every thrust it feels as if we are getting closer. like nothing in the world matters but us and what we have built together. your pace is slow but steady and then you speed up. the whole time, you are keeping eye contact with me to make sure I'm enjoying this as much as you. i try to switch positions, but you pen me back down. this is your show and you're in charge. I've lost count of how many orgasms I've had at this point. just when i think i can't take anymore, you lean into me and whisper those two magic words, "Take It". almost instantly it seems as if my legs spread a little wider and you slide in 2 inches deeper. i feel like I'm in another world. we been doing this for what seems like hours. the candles have burned all they can burn. the incense has gone out and the CD has stopped. i look you dead in your eyes and say in my most sultry voice "Cum for me". You kiss me and mouth the words, "I love you" You continue your pace and then in 5 long strokes your finish. I wipe the sweat from your brow and kiss your forehead. neither of us has the strength to get up. we lay there in each others arms for what i wish were an eternity. about an hour later an alarm goes off on your cell phone, reminding you that you must leave. you take a quick shower and begin to get dressed. i sit on the side of my bed fighting back the tears that I've shed so many times before. you hug me goodbye and tell me to take care. i watch from my window as you hop into your car. i smile to myself knowing that you will be late to pick up your girlfriend from work. "If only she knew," I think. If only she knew. One day you'll leave her and be all mine. You wont have to rush off in the middle of the night or early in the morning. But I've been waiting for that day for 6 years. Maybe I'm a victim of wishful thinking. But I still long for that day. Until then, i can only sit and daydream about us. I lay back in bed and start reminiscing about our night and how you kissed me. you kissed me......
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Jaded
you said you wanted real, but you love that unrealistic
i thought you only wanted one, but you just wanted a main chick
you wanted to have your cake and eat it too but this ain't your birthday
and it's not burger king so you sure as hell can't have it your way
you said you liked how i carried myself and my independence
you liked how i didn't chickenhead my paycheck at the mall and spend it
you appreciated me throwing down in the kitchen on sunday
you loved that i got up and went to work first thing in the morning on Monday
you knew i wasn't easy but not really playing hard to get
and you told me that you liked how i wasn't that average chick
but when i showed you real, you couldn't take it.
you weren't man enough and so you faked it.
you didn't really want a woman, you wanted one of these girls
i was one of the many stars in your universe, and silly me, i was trying to make you my world You wanted that same ole same ole, video girl chick
That same ole same ole, destiny's child chick
you know the one that wants you to pay all her Bills, bills, bills
that girl that keeps dogging you out but you want her still, still, still
But I'm a grown woman and was raised right so I never have my hand out
And maybe one day you Will, Will, Will
See, that here is where you should've have been instead of where you are choosing to be
.I guess as the old saying goes you went from bad to worse
She must have been that 5 star chick, and I'm just a pair of Converse...
i thought you only wanted one, but you just wanted a main chick
you wanted to have your cake and eat it too but this ain't your birthday
and it's not burger king so you sure as hell can't have it your way
you said you liked how i carried myself and my independence
you liked how i didn't chickenhead my paycheck at the mall and spend it
you appreciated me throwing down in the kitchen on sunday
you loved that i got up and went to work first thing in the morning on Monday
you knew i wasn't easy but not really playing hard to get
and you told me that you liked how i wasn't that average chick
but when i showed you real, you couldn't take it.
you weren't man enough and so you faked it.
you didn't really want a woman, you wanted one of these girls
i was one of the many stars in your universe, and silly me, i was trying to make you my world You wanted that same ole same ole, video girl chick
That same ole same ole, destiny's child chick
you know the one that wants you to pay all her Bills, bills, bills
that girl that keeps dogging you out but you want her still, still, still
But I'm a grown woman and was raised right so I never have my hand out
And maybe one day you Will, Will, Will
See, that here is where you should've have been instead of where you are choosing to be
.I guess as the old saying goes you went from bad to worse
She must have been that 5 star chick, and I'm just a pair of Converse...
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Traffic Pt 2: The Road Less Traveled
So I've been driving this same car for 27 years. Low miles, no dents, title reads "One Owner."I've driven down some highways and bi-ways, and freeways and interstates. Back roads where I have to watch out for random deer jumping out at me. Gravel roads where the rocks jump up and hit your car and make your tires dirty. I've driven down roads that were easy to navigate. And I've taken some wrong turns that made the navigation system say, "Girl, WTF are you doing? Make a U-turn!" But, no matter what, I've always been able to make it home safely.
Recently, I found a new route to take daily. I was nervous at first but a few folks told me that this new route was a good idea. That it was an easier path to follow. Some others warned me that just because it seemed like a good idea, maybe it wasn't. Maybe I should stick to the way I've always been driving, rather than taking the road less traveled. But I wanted to experience a new journey so I hopped in my car and was ready for the ride.
At first, my new roadway was everything I needed. No stoplights, smooth pavement, and beautiful scenery. Most of the time, it was smooth sailing down my new street. But there was a problem. It seemed like every other day there would be a stalled vehicle on the road that blocked me from the destination. The same car kept breaking down in the middle of the street. I couldn't get around it so I would have to either wait for the emergency vehicles to come get it, or take another way home. I decided to just take a different way home and opted to just try again another day.
The next day, I drove down my street with no problems. The day after that, there was that car again. The issue went on for weeks. I wrote to my local alderman and asked that the car be banned from the street but I was told there was nothing they could do because the other car had been driving down that street for 2 years before I had so they had every right to be there, no matter what inconvenience it may cause me. I was hurt. My beautiful avenue had now turned into a nightmare on Elm St.The other day I tried to drive down my street and there was way too much traffic, too many other cars trying to take the same route that I had grown to love. These other cars caused too much commotion and confusion and pollution for my beloved little street. But I guess I'm on the only that cares about keeping out neighborhoods beautiful. So I put my car in reverse and waved goodbye to my boulevard of broken dreams. The journey was fun while it lasted.
So now, I'm back to basics. I have begun to drive my old faithful path to work everyday. No frills, no thrills; just the road and me. No stalled cars, no heavy traffic, no potholes. Sometimes I think about that new road I used to drive down. But I don't regret wasting my time going that direction, and I'm grateful for the experience of that journey.I guess the most important thing was that I never got lost taking that new path and could always find my way home.
Maybe the next time I want to go on a funky expedition, I'll just walk.
Recently, I found a new route to take daily. I was nervous at first but a few folks told me that this new route was a good idea. That it was an easier path to follow. Some others warned me that just because it seemed like a good idea, maybe it wasn't. Maybe I should stick to the way I've always been driving, rather than taking the road less traveled. But I wanted to experience a new journey so I hopped in my car and was ready for the ride.
At first, my new roadway was everything I needed. No stoplights, smooth pavement, and beautiful scenery. Most of the time, it was smooth sailing down my new street. But there was a problem. It seemed like every other day there would be a stalled vehicle on the road that blocked me from the destination. The same car kept breaking down in the middle of the street. I couldn't get around it so I would have to either wait for the emergency vehicles to come get it, or take another way home. I decided to just take a different way home and opted to just try again another day.
The next day, I drove down my street with no problems. The day after that, there was that car again. The issue went on for weeks. I wrote to my local alderman and asked that the car be banned from the street but I was told there was nothing they could do because the other car had been driving down that street for 2 years before I had so they had every right to be there, no matter what inconvenience it may cause me. I was hurt. My beautiful avenue had now turned into a nightmare on Elm St.The other day I tried to drive down my street and there was way too much traffic, too many other cars trying to take the same route that I had grown to love. These other cars caused too much commotion and confusion and pollution for my beloved little street. But I guess I'm on the only that cares about keeping out neighborhoods beautiful. So I put my car in reverse and waved goodbye to my boulevard of broken dreams. The journey was fun while it lasted.
So now, I'm back to basics. I have begun to drive my old faithful path to work everyday. No frills, no thrills; just the road and me. No stalled cars, no heavy traffic, no potholes. Sometimes I think about that new road I used to drive down. But I don't regret wasting my time going that direction, and I'm grateful for the experience of that journey.I guess the most important thing was that I never got lost taking that new path and could always find my way home.
Maybe the next time I want to go on a funky expedition, I'll just walk.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Traffic
*hint: you have to really immerse yourself in the metaphor*
I was driving to work and was trying to get into the next lane but this car would not let me merge. and then my mind started wandering and i realized that relationships are a lot like traffic. Think of people as cars and traffic as the relationship. Some people drive fast, some others go slow, and sometimes we have no idea what the car in front of us doing other than getting on our nerves. Sometimes cars get stuck in traffic and sometimes we are able to just put the car on cruise control and roll on by. Sometimes another car cuts you off, then you end up cussing them out and are able to brush it off your shoulder. Other times, you are so angry that you develop road rage and never get over it. Some days you need to get into the next lane, you want so bad to get into that next lane and there is a car that wont let you over. The other car knows that you want to get in their lane, and no matter how long you keep your blinkers on, this fool will not let you get into their lane.So what do we do? We end up getting into another lane instead and try our hardest to get scoot back over to the lane we were trying to get to in the first place. But you still can't get there. And at this point you have spent so much time switching lanes and worrying about trying to get past that ratchet car that you ended up missing your EXIT....
I was driving to work and was trying to get into the next lane but this car would not let me merge. and then my mind started wandering and i realized that relationships are a lot like traffic. Think of people as cars and traffic as the relationship. Some people drive fast, some others go slow, and sometimes we have no idea what the car in front of us doing other than getting on our nerves. Sometimes cars get stuck in traffic and sometimes we are able to just put the car on cruise control and roll on by. Sometimes another car cuts you off, then you end up cussing them out and are able to brush it off your shoulder. Other times, you are so angry that you develop road rage and never get over it. Some days you need to get into the next lane, you want so bad to get into that next lane and there is a car that wont let you over. The other car knows that you want to get in their lane, and no matter how long you keep your blinkers on, this fool will not let you get into their lane.So what do we do? We end up getting into another lane instead and try our hardest to get scoot back over to the lane we were trying to get to in the first place. But you still can't get there. And at this point you have spent so much time switching lanes and worrying about trying to get past that ratchet car that you ended up missing your EXIT....
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
In the event of my demise....
this is possibly one of, if not the greatest poems I've ever written. And it happens to be by one of my favorite people in the world, Mr. Tupac Shakur. The poem has always touched me deeply. I want this poem printed on the back of my funeral program:
In the event of my Demise
when my heart can beat no more
I Hope I Die For A Principle
or A Belief that I had Lived 4
I will die Before My Time
Because I feel the shadow's Depth
so much I wanted 2 accomplish
before I reached my Death
I have come 2 grips with the possibility
and wiped the last tear from My eyes
I Loved All who were Positive
In the event of my Demise
In the event of my Demise
when my heart can beat no more
I Hope I Die For A Principle
or A Belief that I had Lived 4
I will die Before My Time
Because I feel the shadow's Depth
so much I wanted 2 accomplish
before I reached my Death
I have come 2 grips with the possibility
and wiped the last tear from My eyes
I Loved All who were Positive
In the event of my Demise
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Today
This was written in 2004...about 2 months later I was found in a bed in a hotel by the paramedics after a suicide attempt. Guess i should have read the poem again
Today I woke up
No make-up, no lip gloss
Just natural me and I took off
into the streets to begin my day
today i realized that tomorrow
is not promised. that my life could
end tonight and I will have died
without making a difference
today i cried because of all the
indifference in my life. all of the
bullshit in the world. all of the times
i should have done something but
didn't because i was afraid or felt i
just couldn't do it
today i thought of all the people
around me who are moving upwards
and onwards and I thought of how my
life is at a standstill. how i may
never be able to come whatever. how
maybe, just maybe, this is all i'm supposed
to be
today i tried to figure out exactly
who i am. what is my purpose? why do
i wake up every morning? Why has God
or whoever put me here? Why cant my life
be perfect the way every one elses is?
Today i decided to make some changes
i decided to not take this sitting down
to fight for my life. to be someone. to
be better than everyone else. to make
plans and follow my dreams. to be
independent and live life to its fullest
Today, I woke up
Today I woke up
No make-up, no lip gloss
Just natural me and I took off
into the streets to begin my day
today i realized that tomorrow
is not promised. that my life could
end tonight and I will have died
without making a difference
today i cried because of all the
indifference in my life. all of the
bullshit in the world. all of the times
i should have done something but
didn't because i was afraid or felt i
just couldn't do it
today i thought of all the people
around me who are moving upwards
and onwards and I thought of how my
life is at a standstill. how i may
never be able to come whatever. how
maybe, just maybe, this is all i'm supposed
to be
today i tried to figure out exactly
who i am. what is my purpose? why do
i wake up every morning? Why has God
or whoever put me here? Why cant my life
be perfect the way every one elses is?
Today i decided to make some changes
i decided to not take this sitting down
to fight for my life. to be someone. to
be better than everyone else. to make
plans and follow my dreams. to be
independent and live life to its fullest
Today, I woke up
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
It used to be love.....
This was written about 2 years ago, after the demise of the relationship with me and him...
Sitting,
Thinking about me and you
And all the little things
That we used to do
I can’t believe that you’re not here
I’m crying
Because I realize I need you here
You’re every breath that I take
You’re every step I make
Without you I can’t go on
So now I’m down on my knees
Crying for you to please, come home
I’m not sure where things went wrong
And I don’t know how to make it right
I can’t sleep, I can’t eat
I miss you lying next to me at night
You were my everything
My water, my earth, my sunshine
The idea that you may never again be mine
Keeps me in tears every night
We shared everything
I couldn’t feel your heartbeat
Without feeling mine
They were the same beat
The same rhythm
You kept me sane
You helped me become a better person
I pray that everything we had was not in vain
I’ve had my last cry
But I’ll never stop my prayers
Nothing in this world matters to me
I’m nothing without you being here
But you’ve made your choice
And I have to live with it
If you want to call this living
I’m in a fantasy world
Completely void of reality
Dwelling in the past
Remembering you here
Wearing your t-shirt
Laying on your side of the bed
Listening to our songs
and praying for your return
my castle in the sand
has been washed away by the tide
it used to be love
but it’s over now.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Popularity
Recently, someone wrote me and mentioned how in high school she thought i was so cool. As an underclassmen she looked up to me because I hung out with all the popular people. Everybody knew me. I was a hot girl
And this surprised me.
I went to two different high schools during my 4 year tenure of high school. My first high school was filled with all of my friends I had gone to elementary and middle school with. I was already in a clique so popularity wasn't an issue. But when I transferred to my new school junior year, I was the new kid on the block. The only people I knew were a few guys that were upperclassmen that I used to kick it with back in the day. So I clung to them. But at lunchtime I had to find someone to sit with. Evidently I picked the right people because I was eventually known as "popular"
The idea of being popular has always intrigued me. Back in elementary school I never thought of myself as popular. I was never as cool as the other girls. I used to get chased around the playground because I was light skinned, tall, wore glasses, was smart/teacher's pet, and I didn't own a pair of K-Swiss. I was a walking target. But what's funny is that the girls that teased me the most were the girls who were the most popular. The one's whose attention I craved the most. I wanted to be like them sooo bad. I begged my grandmother to put a relaxer in my head so I could be like the other girls. Having natural, long hair was no longer going to be good enough for me (side note: the relaxer ending up breaking my hair off and I ended up just as bald headed as they were. great way to fit in.) I don't think I was ever comfortable in my own skin. I always longed to be better. To be them, and not me.
Even today, I think i just end up knowing the right people. In turn, lots of other people know me. But i don't know everyone. People meet me once and remember me. I don't remember a lot of folks. People remember me most for my "personality." My in your face attitude. The fact that I say whatever comes to my mind, not matter the consequence. But what I think a lot of folks don't realize is that the mouth I have today, stems from my childhood. I was teased and never stood up for myself. I never once talked back. I kept it all in. Then one day I realized that I was bigger than everyone else and I didn't want to be quiet anymore. I've been telling people off ever since. I made a vow to myself that I would speak my mind no matter what. Period.
Who knew that speaking up for myself would actually make me popular?
And this surprised me.
I went to two different high schools during my 4 year tenure of high school. My first high school was filled with all of my friends I had gone to elementary and middle school with. I was already in a clique so popularity wasn't an issue. But when I transferred to my new school junior year, I was the new kid on the block. The only people I knew were a few guys that were upperclassmen that I used to kick it with back in the day. So I clung to them. But at lunchtime I had to find someone to sit with. Evidently I picked the right people because I was eventually known as "popular"
The idea of being popular has always intrigued me. Back in elementary school I never thought of myself as popular. I was never as cool as the other girls. I used to get chased around the playground because I was light skinned, tall, wore glasses, was smart/teacher's pet, and I didn't own a pair of K-Swiss. I was a walking target. But what's funny is that the girls that teased me the most were the girls who were the most popular. The one's whose attention I craved the most. I wanted to be like them sooo bad. I begged my grandmother to put a relaxer in my head so I could be like the other girls. Having natural, long hair was no longer going to be good enough for me (side note: the relaxer ending up breaking my hair off and I ended up just as bald headed as they were. great way to fit in.) I don't think I was ever comfortable in my own skin. I always longed to be better. To be them, and not me.
Even today, I think i just end up knowing the right people. In turn, lots of other people know me. But i don't know everyone. People meet me once and remember me. I don't remember a lot of folks. People remember me most for my "personality." My in your face attitude. The fact that I say whatever comes to my mind, not matter the consequence. But what I think a lot of folks don't realize is that the mouth I have today, stems from my childhood. I was teased and never stood up for myself. I never once talked back. I kept it all in. Then one day I realized that I was bigger than everyone else and I didn't want to be quiet anymore. I've been telling people off ever since. I made a vow to myself that I would speak my mind no matter what. Period.
Who knew that speaking up for myself would actually make me popular?
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Disappointment
I told him that I had been hurt before and that I was afraid to love again
And he said that he would never hurt me, that he was different from those other guys.
I said I want to believe you. I want to trust you. But I don’t know if I can
He said that his feelings were real, and that it was okay to put my heart in his hands.
And I believed him
But he lied. He cheated. He left. And he proved he was like the rest of them
She said that I would never hurt you. That I am here for you. That I will always be there
And I told her that she had sad that before. She wasn’t there before so why should I believe you now
She said that she knows she messed up in the past but she was different now. She was a changed woman. She would make it right. And I believed her.
But she lied. She stayed the same. And she proved that if I can’t trust her, then I can’t trust anyone
You said that you would always be there. That we would be friends until the end
And I said that I needed a friend. I needed someone to be there for me. I couldn’t handle someone leaving me again. I couldn’t take another promise being broken.
And you said that would never do that. You would be the shoulder I could lean on.
And I believed you.
But you lied. We grew apart. You began to live a life that no longer included me. You, like the others, left.
And now I sit here disappointed.
And he said that he would never hurt me, that he was different from those other guys.
I said I want to believe you. I want to trust you. But I don’t know if I can
He said that his feelings were real, and that it was okay to put my heart in his hands.
And I believed him
But he lied. He cheated. He left. And he proved he was like the rest of them
She said that I would never hurt you. That I am here for you. That I will always be there
And I told her that she had sad that before. She wasn’t there before so why should I believe you now
She said that she knows she messed up in the past but she was different now. She was a changed woman. She would make it right. And I believed her.
But she lied. She stayed the same. And she proved that if I can’t trust her, then I can’t trust anyone
You said that you would always be there. That we would be friends until the end
And I said that I needed a friend. I needed someone to be there for me. I couldn’t handle someone leaving me again. I couldn’t take another promise being broken.
And you said that would never do that. You would be the shoulder I could lean on.
And I believed you.
But you lied. We grew apart. You began to live a life that no longer included me. You, like the others, left.
And now I sit here disappointed.
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