Loosing Yourself

So lately I’ve been on this big weight loss kick. It’s not something trendy I’m doing for the summer, it’s a lifestyle change. I need to lose weight so I can continue to live.

During this weight loss process, an argument has begun over “what size I want to be.” Some people say, “Oh, you just need to lose like 20lbs and you’ll be good.” But these are the same folks who don’t realize that I weight 280lbs when this whole thing started. Some say “Don’t get smaller than a size 12 cuz then you’ll look crazy.” And I think to myself, well I’ve never been a size 12 so who knows how I’ll look. All I knew was that I was ready for a change.
But then I started to think more about this “change” I was going through. And I thought “What about me would really change?” In theory, the only thing that would change is my physical appearance. But my personality revolves around my size. My inner self was created because of my outer self.

Contrary to popular belief, I am extremely shy. Seriously. I get very nervous around people that I don’t know. Years ago, I realized that if I’m in a room full of strangers than maybe I can make them laugh to break the ice. And the rest is kind of history. A lot of my rambling on is based on the fact that I’m extremely nervous around large groups of people and insecure.

Why am I insecure? Honey, I don’t even know where to begin with that question. For the sake of time, let’s just say I’ve always been insecure about my size. I’ve always been tall. Always. So that has been an issue to plague me over the years. Being 12 years old and 5’7” isn’t really something that a girl should have to deal with. I’ve always been “thick.” I was never a skinny girl. I always had a little weight on me but it was under control. Back in the day, this girl that I thought was my friend named Clarissa used to call me an Amazon. I would laugh it off but it stung like a hornet. I had to develop a sense of humor about myself in order to survive back then. It’s funny how now I look at old pictures and think “Damn, I wasn’t fat at all. I was hella small.” I was also about 225lbs. But of course, hindsight is 20/20.

Getting back to the point at hand, I developed a sense of humor about myself in order to get through all the pain I felt inside for looking different than all the other girls around me. Guys didn’t go for the tall thick girl back then. So if I wanted to attract someone I had to come on strong with the personality. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve always had a personality but I just wasn’t that outspoken. At some point, I became that person that always said what was on her mind. I became cool and popular.

Fast forward to now. At this point I’m down about 20lbs. Some folks notice, some don’t. But I can tell by how my clothes fit. I keep telling myself that the only thing that will change is how I look. I’m still the same person right? But think about it: are slimmer girls really all that loud and outspoken? Generally aren’t they the more quiet and timid ones? I mean sure, you have those skinny heffas that run off at the mouth. But when you turn on the TV, it’s always the big woman who is giving someone a piece of her mind. Think about it: Thea, Mo’Nique, Kim Whitley, Sherry Shephard…hell even Oprah. Everytime Oprah gets skinny she loses viewers. But as long as she’s fat Oprah then we love her a little more.

So the question begs to be answered: Can I lose weight and not actually lose myself?

Do you Boo....,

My friend Chase passed away on Wednesday March 31st. Chase was someone that was known by all and loved by many. His wake was packed. The best way to describe it was the May Day Parade. Yes, t was that packed. Everybody who was anybody was there. And everyone was there telling stories about an encounter they had with him.

During the funeral, his brothr, and my best friend, Brandon got up to speak. One of the things that Brandon mentioned was that Chase was never afraid to be himself. You see, Chase was gay. And no, he wasn’t the quiet gay man that walks into a room and people wonder “Is he or isn’t he.” Chase was gay. And he was proud. And he was never afraid to be that. He was always himself. Period. He never tried to front and be something other than what he was. He was truly a class act. People can say whatever they want to say about him, but they can never say that he was fake or funny acting or whatever the fuck. Whether he was doing your hair, picking out your outfit or getting you right together, He was real. He was genuine. he was the one and only Joaquin Chase Mason. RIP Chase

The point of me telling you all of this is that I think we all need to take a page from Chase’s book. So many of us are concerned about how others envision us that we can never truly be ourselves. We don’t want people to think that we are different so we conform to the norm, regardless of how it makes us feel inside. I’m a facebook junkie and everyday there are hundreds of people saying “Imma do me” but in reality you aren’t doing you, you are doing somebody else.
Some of us portray a certain image to the world when in reality we are the complete opposite. We are dying inside because we want to fit in so badly. We sacrifice our own happiness to please others. But the question is why? Why are willing to give up our own personalities to be what the world wants us to be. Why can’t we be comfortable in our own skin?

Waiting...

In my life, I have waited for many things. I waited for my first car. I waited to be able to get my first relaxer. I waited for my first apartment. I have waited tables. I’ve waited on phone calls. I have waited in the checkout line at Walmart. I wait every 15th and last day of the month for my paycheck. But the one thing that I think I am tired of waiting on the most is waiting on a man.



And no, I don’t mean waiting on the right man to come to me. I mean waiting on a man to get it together. As women, we tend to meet men that are “fixer uppers.” He has almost all the qualities that we need, except a few. So we wait. We wait on him to get another job because he just quit/got laid off/fired from the one he had. We wait on him to get a new car because the one he had got stolen/broke down/repossessed. We wait on him to be ready to settle down. And finally, we wait for him to stop dealing with his other chick and deal exclusively with us (sorry, I just stepped on somebody’s toes). The point is that we wait. We try to be patient. Men tend to tell us that they want us to believe what they say. Well, what happens when you believe this fool and it’s all just a bunch of crap? He keeps saying that he is getting a car on his next paycheck. He keeps saying that he has a few interviews lined up next week. He keeps saying that his baby mama and him are just “cool” and that he needs more time to explain to her that he is seeing you now. Or he and his girlfriend are “on the verge” of breaking up and he just needs you to be patient. After all, he has to let her down easily. Her feelings must be taken into consideration.



Well, I am tired of waiting. I was tired a long time ago, but I’m sick and tired now. And no, nothing happened to me recently that made me write this. Sometimes I just sit back and reflect of mistakes made in the past and I recognize my faults. And during this journey into relationships past, I realize that I spent a lot of time waiting on a man to get his stuff together. Yet, I could not think of one time that a man actually waited on me. Actually, I take that back. One of my ex’s did wait on me. He waited a year for me. And we lasted less than a year. Anywho…. my point is that women tend to wait on men and men don’t wait on women. Think about it: If a man wants something he attempts to get it. If it’s a challenge, he may enjoy the thrill of the chase or he may just get over it really quickly and move on to something else. Ladies, how many of you have been the side chick for months and months and even years on end because you were waiting on him to end his current relationship? Show of hands…okay. Now, men how many of you have actually waited longer than 30 days for a woman to do anything including but no limited to: get her own place, get a car, get a job, give you some, dump her man, leave her husband, get her hair done?



I don’t really have a solution for this random thought of mine. I can only speak for myself when I say that I don’t think I’m willing to wait anymore. But I would love to hear your opinions on this. Ladies, have you waited for a man? Men, have you waited on a woman? Was it worth it?