Confessions of a Chubby Girl

originally published on Facebook and Myspace, May 18,2008

so yesterday my air conditioning went out in my apartment. As I lay on my couch in a pull of sweat, I began to succumb to heat induced delusions of grandeur. I flashbacked to last December. My best friend Samantha had just moved back to St. Louis and she wanted to go out to the Loft to celebrate. Now, those that know me know that I truly loathe going to clubs. I hate being out in the public eye and usually only do so because I have been literally dragged out of the house, someone else is paying or I have to keep up appearances. Anyway, after much coercion, I decided to go. I put on what I thought was a cute outfit, threw a bump or two in my hair, some makeup and finally some 3 inch stillettos. We got to the loft and it turned out the be the same night as the Floyd Mayweather fight. We were stuck standing up and watching the fight for like an hour. Needless to say, my feet were very angry. There were supporting 275 pounds on a very thing 3 inch stilt. They were not pleased. Moving on...the fight ended and the music began. We (me, samantha, dana, and LaQuita) began to walk around the club. As we walked to the dance floor, we formed a single file line. So, the order went: Samantha, Quita, Dana and then Me. As we walked, I suddenly felt myself being shoved to the side. I looked over and I noticed some punk ass thug wannabe standing there looking at me like I was crazy. I looked at him and said "Did you just push me?" He said "Yeah, you just bumped into me." I was in disbelief. First, I had no recollection of running into him. Second, there were 3 other girls that past him up first before this alleged "bumping into him". And finally, why would he push me like that if all I did was bump into him? I said " Are you fucking serious? I accidently bump into you and you push me like that?" His response "Yeah, your big ass almost knocked me over!" And then his friends started laughing. At this point, my feelings are beyond hurt. I want to cry right then and there. Here I am, at this fucking club that I don't even want to be at. I have gotten all dressed up and then this guy reminds me of just how fat I am. I know that if I was a skinny girl, he would have never pushed me the way that he did. But since I'm a big girl, my feelings dont' count. So there was only one thing left for me to do. I looked at him and said "Fuck you nigga" and I pushed the shit out of his ass back. I used the force of all 275 of my pounds to make sure that his ass fell back at least 6 feet. And when he looked back at me like he wanted to start something, I said "Jump stupid if you want but I'm sure that you don't want to get your ass kicked in front of your boys by some fat girl." Then I walked off. By the time I joined Dana and the crew, there were like "Who was that guy and why did you push him". I told them not to trip. They would never understand my ordeal. They were skinny and would never have to deal with this type of embarrassment or harrassment.

Another story took place in April. I was at a baby shower for my ex boyfriends sister. I was in charge of games. We decided to play the one where everyone has to guess the size of the mother-to-be's belly. We used crepe paper instead of string for this project. For those of you that arent familiar withthe game, the rules are simple. You look at the mother. You look at the crepe paper(string). You try to figure out the circumference of the mother and cut a piece of string to represent the width. We then compare your string to the actual size of the mothers belly and who ever is the closest wins. Well, I was standing next to some guy at the party. He decided that the 9 months pregnant mothe-to-be's belly looked very similar to my non-pregnant belly. He took the crepe paper and wrapped it around my waist to figure out how big the pregnant belly was. He did it so fast that I wasn't able to react. I seriously looked up and there he was with that shit around my waist and tearing it off as if he had the exact length. I wanted to crawl up in ball and die right then and there. It took everything in me to not cry and run home. But i did nothing. I just stood there like an asshold and tried to pretend as if my feelings were not hurt.

I guess the point of all of this is to let everyone know that big girls have feelings too. Be careful when you say or do something to someone who has a little meat on their bones. You never know how much it affects them. Even if they smile and just laugh, they are crying on the inside. That's all.......

Fashion...or something close to it

i have never been a fashionista. i've never really been intrigued by fashion. Growing up, our clothes were clean and ironed. That's it. No big deal about the labels that were on them. I look at clothes the same way now. My closet isn't packed with the latest trends. I have clothes that i can wear to work, clothes i wear to the club, clothes i lay around the house in, and clothes that don't fit but i refuse to throw away because i will fit them again someday.

the few times a year that I go out, i observe others and the things that they wear. it intrigues me. things that are considered fashionable make no sense to me. but again, i'm no fashionista so maybe i'm not supposed to understand. However, I do have a few questions that maybe some of my more fashion forward readers can answer to help me understand society:

1. When did it become okay to wear hairnets? Girl keep wearing them like they are the new in thing, but to me you look like you are about to serve me some mashed potatoes and gravy.

2. Are Reeboks back in style? Unless you are a nurse or work at White Castles, I thought it was unacceptable to wear Classics or Princess Reeboks.

3. Why are your pants so tight....and you are sagging. I dont' think you can do both. You should pick one or the other. To me, it looks like you have on your lil brothers pants and since you couldn't pull them up all the way, you just decided to wear them where they stopped and put a belt on.

4. Is it okay to wear more than one brand at a time? Back in my day, it was ILLEGAL to have on Polo and Tommy at the same time. We called you a walking advertisement. Now, you have on a Roberto
Cavalli dress, a Louis Vuitton bag, Chanel sunglasses and Gucci shoes. Is this acceptable? Or are you getting paid to advertise for Vogue?

5. Why do you have on a bag that costs $600 but you needed a loan to get into the club? You don't have $10? You need to take that bag to Rag-o-Rama and get some money....

6. Did you make that outfit? It looks like it.....

7. If you don't have crew socks, is it okay to roll down your tube socks and wear them anyway? No? I didn't think so.....

8. To all the straighties out there....when you sag, people can see your ass. I know you know this, but I dont' think you realize the gay boys are looking at your ass. Then you get mad if a gay dude is looking at you. Well, you were showing your ass off like "Look at my cakes, come and get it." So either pull your pants up or give the boy your phone number

9. To the big girls out there: Express, Forever 21, Urban Outfitters, Charlotte Russe, Bebe and Arden B don't carry your size. However Torrid and Lane Bryant do. Please stop going into skinny girl stores and trying to squeeze your fat ass into a 12 because it aint happening. You look dumb in the dressing room and you look dumb in the club. Stop it. you are making me look bad and pissing me off. I'm about to start handing out big girl violations. Oh, don't get mad at me. Be mad at them cheeseburgers your fat ass is eating as you read this....

and finally....
10. um....how do i put this...um....Everyone doesn't have "good hair". So um....why don't you get a relaxer or a hair cut. okay? ok.

Woman To Woman 2010

Back in the day, Shirley Brown sang a song called Woman To Woman. You may be familiar with this.Or if you are like me, you didn't know this song until Jewell did a remake of it on the Murda was the Case soundtrack... Anywho, the other day me and brandon were in the car and it came on. We listened to the intro and I had to make a blog about it. The song is basically about Shirley and her man. She finds out that he is cheating on her and calls up the other woman. She tells her woman to woman: leave my man alone. Years ago, women heard this song and cheered as their heroine Shirley let this woman have it. However, in 2010, I think the song has a different message:

here's the intro:
Hello, may I speak to Barbara
Barbara, this is Shirley
You might not know who I am
But the reason I am calling you is because
I was going through my
Old man`s pockets this morning
And I just happened to find your name and number

So woman to woman
I don`t think it`s being anymore than fair
To call you and let you know
Where I`m coming from

Now Barbara
I don`t know how you`re gonna take this
But whether you be cool
Or come out of a bag on me
You see it doesn`t really make any difference

But it`s only fair that I let you know that
The man you`re in love with
He's mine

From the top of his head
To the bottom of his feet
The bed he sleeps in
And every piece of food he eats

You see, I make it possible
The clothes on his back
Ha ha, I buy them
The car he drives
I pay the note every month

So I`m telling you these things
To let you know how much I love that man
And woman to woman
I think you`ll understand
How much I`ll do to keep him


Now, 20 years ago, Barbara was hurt by this phone call and probably never called ol boy again. however, in 2009, I think the convo would have went like this:

But the reason I am calling you is because
I was going through my
Old man`s pockets this morning
And I just happened to find your name and number
bitch, why are you playing on my phone?

Now Barbara
I don`t know how you`re gonna take this
But whether you be cool
Or come out of a bag on me
You see it doesn`t really make any difference
look here lady, i'm gonna have to ask you to stop playing on my phone. we are too grown for this dumb shit. why are you calling me? where is his dumb ass at? you know the name of the game. Your man chose me. Now we can handle this like ladies or get into some gangsta shit

But it`s only fair that I let you know that
The man you`re in love with
He's mine
bitch, is this a mokenstef song?

You see, I make it possible
The clothes on his back
Ha ha, I buy them
The car he drives
I pay the note every month
wait, wait, wait. bitch, you buying his clothes and paying the car note on the Jag? bitch you dumb as hell. He takes me to work in that car everyday. Hell, I drove that mug down to Cape last weekend. You stupid. just dumb. do me a favor. Hang up this phone right now. write a note, kill yourself and invite me to the funeral so i can stand up and tell everyone how dumb you are.

and then there would be a dialtone. There would have never been a song made. Maybe i'm wrong or maybe the mixture of blood pressure medication and Claritin has gotten to me...idk...