Loosing Yourself

So lately I’ve been on this big weight loss kick. It’s not something trendy I’m doing for the summer, it’s a lifestyle change. I need to lose weight so I can continue to live.

During this weight loss process, an argument has begun over “what size I want to be.” Some people say, “Oh, you just need to lose like 20lbs and you’ll be good.” But these are the same folks who don’t realize that I weight 280lbs when this whole thing started. Some say “Don’t get smaller than a size 12 cuz then you’ll look crazy.” And I think to myself, well I’ve never been a size 12 so who knows how I’ll look. All I knew was that I was ready for a change.
But then I started to think more about this “change” I was going through. And I thought “What about me would really change?” In theory, the only thing that would change is my physical appearance. But my personality revolves around my size. My inner self was created because of my outer self.

Contrary to popular belief, I am extremely shy. Seriously. I get very nervous around people that I don’t know. Years ago, I realized that if I’m in a room full of strangers than maybe I can make them laugh to break the ice. And the rest is kind of history. A lot of my rambling on is based on the fact that I’m extremely nervous around large groups of people and insecure.

Why am I insecure? Honey, I don’t even know where to begin with that question. For the sake of time, let’s just say I’ve always been insecure about my size. I’ve always been tall. Always. So that has been an issue to plague me over the years. Being 12 years old and 5’7” isn’t really something that a girl should have to deal with. I’ve always been “thick.” I was never a skinny girl. I always had a little weight on me but it was under control. Back in the day, this girl that I thought was my friend named Clarissa used to call me an Amazon. I would laugh it off but it stung like a hornet. I had to develop a sense of humor about myself in order to survive back then. It’s funny how now I look at old pictures and think “Damn, I wasn’t fat at all. I was hella small.” I was also about 225lbs. But of course, hindsight is 20/20.

Getting back to the point at hand, I developed a sense of humor about myself in order to get through all the pain I felt inside for looking different than all the other girls around me. Guys didn’t go for the tall thick girl back then. So if I wanted to attract someone I had to come on strong with the personality. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve always had a personality but I just wasn’t that outspoken. At some point, I became that person that always said what was on her mind. I became cool and popular.

Fast forward to now. At this point I’m down about 20lbs. Some folks notice, some don’t. But I can tell by how my clothes fit. I keep telling myself that the only thing that will change is how I look. I’m still the same person right? But think about it: are slimmer girls really all that loud and outspoken? Generally aren’t they the more quiet and timid ones? I mean sure, you have those skinny heffas that run off at the mouth. But when you turn on the TV, it’s always the big woman who is giving someone a piece of her mind. Think about it: Thea, Mo’Nique, Kim Whitley, Sherry Shephard…hell even Oprah. Everytime Oprah gets skinny she loses viewers. But as long as she’s fat Oprah then we love her a little more.

So the question begs to be answered: Can I lose weight and not actually lose myself?